Before coming out
You will learn how to hate your body,
You will feel awkward and alone but you will have to transform your aloneness and alienness into lyrics of gay blues
And to wear your body like a pullover ,
Search yourself in a mirror
And inhale twice in the morning just to be sure you are alive.

At times you will try to figure out
How to tell your mother
That you will not bring a girl home,
You will feel more dirtier and dirtier
Then you will break into tears holding your body like an eggshell ,
Trying to break it into pieces.

In your heart you will learn to hold the name of the boy
You love
In your tongue.
At night you will wonder of the origin of a boy's beauty,the moon dawning deep inside your bones,
The trouser you slept on
After a heavy drink will be wet near your thighs in the morning.

Then christmas will come
Your father will look you in the eyes
And ask you
'When are you bringing the girl home?"
You will wish death because people only listen when one is gone.

You will tell yourself of the fulfiness of being in the rainbow
And you will take to the stars in darknes
One step at a time
Your friends will say
They are okay with who you are.

Just before the rainbow is enough
You will say that people have to understand
That no one chooses to be gay.

The moment will come when a song of mourning
Will ring in your brain.
Even the friends you told you love will stare at you,
You will have to watch them react with disdaine
When you mention the word love.
It will then own you even brotherly love should no longer run through your mouth.
#Muriithi Kariuki


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