CODED

How cruel of my heart, To be able to feel when it is broken, How cruel of my heart, To long for the same warmth which chilled it, How cruel of my heart, To go and ask for love from those from them who kept hurting it, How cruel is my heart, To love someone without even getting it! How cruel of my love, To hope from the hopeless, And how cruel of my love, To love someone, Who was devoid of it. "And that is the thing about h heartbreak. You want that warmth but it chills you to the core when you get it...And you want that love...But it feels your heart with hatred right now." @Panamus K.Cmanto

I don't know where we went,how we lost track but the magnitude of whatever happened to us has left me a walking dead. I am just living but I don't see the meaning of life. Gatush you have made my world stop and I don't know what else I can do but even writing isn't giving me enough solace cause it's like you went with all the ink and now my pen cannot write anymore. If you feel relieved, stay away and continue doing you but if you miss me come back home.

Dropping soon...                 By.Panamus Cmanto When a man is in a preparatory phase for parenthood with his first child, he can go  through a lot of emotion because of the transition. These emotions have a rollercoaster effect for  the man during the said phase or period* and range from extreme highs and lows,  depending upon the man’s economic, relationship, and physical*(did you mean psychological status) or social* status, as well as community  support. As actors in theatre, we use the emotional life of characters to enlighten our choices in  actions and tactics.  In reading a large sample of prenatal plays, I have extracted several possible emotional  changes within a man’s psyche. I also analyzed the social rationale behind these changes through  the writings of sociologists and other scholarly sources. I am dedicating this thesis to                   My ...

You are the reason why I could write about love. You are the ripped pages, the pages no one ever knew about, the pages lost somewhere at the back of my mind, or crumpled, thrown somewhere in the corner of my heart. I just couldn't lay my finger on why or how or since when did you just decide to feel like a million miles away from me... But more than that, what I couldnt understand was how I couldn't seem to stop myself from loving someone who disappeared on me, someone who didn't want to talk about things, who seemingly ignored all the messages I sent, or took so long to reply, who replied too little and often, won't reply at all. I couldn't understand how I could continue to love someone who was deliberately pushing me away, someone who can make me hurt so badly, someone who decided to exit my life, and still... Love that someone even then... And most especially then. I just woke up from this dream and realized that you were nowhere near, that I couldn't be clo...

I don’t know how it started, and I don’t know how it’ll end. Somewhere along the line, though, I fell in love with you. Maybe it was that smile or those hypnotizing eyes. Or perhaps it was your beautiful brain or the way you say my name. I don’t think you even see it, and I doubt you ever will. I’m probably forever friendzoned, even though I desperately long to wrap you in my arms. Your laughter rings forever right inside my ears as your sadness makes me cry. I wish that I could be the one to always make you smile while also carrying the burden of your pain. Although I know it isn’t true, I wonder if somehow you’d ever feel the same. Sometimes when I’m lonely, I imagine what we would be like. Would we be the cheesy, romantic type or the ones who always laugh and keep it light? I mostly picture laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And, probably lots of talking all through the night until we see the sun rising through the curtains. The worst part about it all is that it’s just a f...

 I quit social media for a month. So I quit Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter. I just need a break. It is time to cut myself off. I will stop using social media tomorrow morning, and my brain is going crazy. I just realized how often I glance down just to see if I have a notification. When I wake up in the morning, on the way to work, on the taxi, walking from the taxi to work, sometimes at work - sorry - when I get home from work. It's constant. I think I'm probably not the only person in my generation who feels this way. I have friends who use Facebook to promote their music shows and send invites for birthday parties. It's a very big part of my social life, and that might be something I'm missing. I'm hoping with this social-media fast that my brain will kind of recalibrate itself - go back to my life pre-social media. I hope to become more focused, more productive, for my brain to be a little less scattered and all over the place. I really hope I ...

Diary 1, It was beginning to gnaw at me,this irksome fretting over my last day at the office. At various times in my life I have struggled with the theory of zoe and for this time I felt a looser.  The silver chain at my humbled crib at Genesis Apartments swung gently from a draft creeping into the house through partially finished walls.The chain,as it brushed up against the dusty  60~watt bulb protruding from one of the wood rafters played a song with the hollow whistle of wind that sneaked in the poorly sealed windows.Tink.tink...ti tink. The lonely noise went on for a long moment,then a short phlegmy cough punctured the quiet and the shuffle of papers,and a chair leg scrape ended the winsome song. I pulled my blue knitted warmer tighter,I stiffened my spine as if in defiance of the bitging August air seeping into the house.I padded to my white enamel stove .The ancient stove chipped and yellowing,popped to life as I turned the knob.I placed a copper tea kettle onto the burn...

                          "BISECTED" #diary1. I first met him in matatu while i was in high school some few years ago,and the whole definition of a GAY black man couldn't escape my mind even for a second when i saw him. I continued seeing him on several occasions and hello!The way he handled and represented himself with admirable dexterity and clarity carried away all my attention if not yours. His pleasure in relating and dressing and the coming out of  the byzantine complexities of Nyayo and Harambee politics was contagious and how free and unbothered he walked  around without a pardon of breaking the law embracing oneself with a Big Tag Raised "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS"

Relationships hurt the most, Paramia Cmanto Family. Love them or love them not, there’s often a limit to what you can do with the difficult ones. You can’t live with them and you can’t make them join the circus. When there’s a lifetime of emotional investment involved, it’s likely that any response will hurt and will require a huge push, whether it’s walking away or fighting for the relationship. Even if you decide that the price of being in the relationship is too high, it’s not always easy to leave. Sometimes it’s just not an option. Whether you’re on your way out or bracing for more, here are some ways to protect yourself from the ones who scrape you: Don’t let anyone else’s behaviour change who you are. Be dignified. Be brilliant. Be kind. Don’t let anyone reduce the best of you.  Make it clear this isn’t personal. Insecurity is at the heart of a lot of broken relationships. Insecure people will feel attacked even when no attack is made. If this is ...

An Open Letter To My Heartbroken Mom Forever and always. Always and forever. Panamus Cmanto, F irst of all, don’t be mad that I’m writing this. When I told you I’d be writing for the Odyssey, I’m sure this isn’t what you had in mind for one of my first articles. You’ve always been my best friend, my biggest fan, and my secret keeper. You’ve always been the one to hold me in my times of heartbreak and give me the best advice. You’ve always been there for me, but now it’s time for me to do the same for you. Promise me to remember these things in your time of heartbreak NOTHING YOU'RE FEELING IS “wrong.” Everything you are feeling is a completely normal process. You’re handling things the way you’re wired to handle them. Everyone grieves differently: some jump into their normal routine, some take time to themselves; some want to talk about it, while others would rather not. So what if you cry every day or if it’s hard just to get out of bed most days? You aren’t...

The level of ignorance, or is it pure devilry, is staggering. Majority of the people of Khartoum, blinded by the venom of religion and general political bigotry, looked down on Juba, felt no empathy and even called for and cheered their complete suppression through annihilation. The people of the South were called derogatory names and they were made fun of in their years of struggle, agony and grief. Here in Kenya, the same people who cheered Jubilee mafia when they bribed and maimed and shot dead opposition supporters and made fun of those who boycotted staged elections are now up there with angels, talking solidarity with the awakened masses of Khartoum. You are heartless fools. Oppression is oppression, home or abroad. I am still waiting for you to wake up from your dictatorial sleep. It is true that the demons of the tribe ate your brains and now, your empty heads swing on stiffened necks. And to think that Jesus died for your redemption. Sad affair. Shenzi sana! Riswa!

NJALALE'S DIARY Four weeks of emptying out and refilling are over. You don't need to be jealous of me anymore. I have eaten fresh food. I have inhaled clean air. I have enjoyed tree shades and the beautiful sight of sunrises and sunsets. I have listened to an orchestra of grateful birds at the break of dawn. I have taken busaa to my fill. I have 'dished' boiled chicken and fresh mangoes and guavas and groundnuts. I have enjoyed the company of kind people. "Village Diary" concludes today because its author has eaten the departure ingokho and has a bus ticket in hand. Back into the urban dust and rationing and cacophony. This is a sad departure, boys and girls, but that which is of absolute necessity. One thing though, I never met any of my village ex-girlfriends. Where did they go? Anyway, the balding process on my head continues. Good thing is, I have a full beard to deflect your wandering and indiscipline eyes. It was four weeks of wellness and reconnection....

Baby brother walked into the house shortly after the 7:00 pm Kiswahili news. Afternoon was all downpour. The air and the walls and the grass were wet and cold. He grabbed me by the hand and said something about beating the cold. 'Explain,' I hesitated. His was a crazy idea. He'd already gathered bonfire wood. He lit it. We fetched chairs and rubbed our hands and watched the flames rise and fall and expand and threaten and quiet down. The ash was piling and we were talking about intimate things like love and dreams and tomorrow. We'd forgotten it's the rainy season and we were 'free' and sipping tea from a thermos flask, not whisky. Rem this was a surprise thing. Whoever will marry my baby bro will either be too happy or too otherwise. Hear me, there is no middle ground with him. He's the scoundrel in the pic below. Someone was leaning back and the chair was sinking in the soft ground and he was falling backwards and another person (me) was laughing. My...

Dear Baba, You have given me the best things in life: Your time, your care, and your love. I am truly grateful to have you in my life.Thanks for acting like a kid when I was a kid, acting like a friend when I needed a friend, and acting like a parent when I needed one.  I am truly grateful to have you in my life.You are the best man I know. Today I choose to CELEBRATE you.Although time and distance may separate us, your guidance, advice, and love has stuck with me through it all. I would not be who I am today without you, for the older I get the more I realize how important it is to have a dad like you. You have provided stability in my life and the love and acceptance I needed. ⭕HAPPY FATHERS DAY⭕ To my hero and role model. Thank you for everything you have done for our family. We love you with all our hearts. Your lovely son, Panamus Kiiru C. Simanto ,

Dedicated to my two good friends who lost their lives in January: Pilot.Emmanuel  (5th January 2019) Styler.Henry Ocheni (   19th Jan 2019) I wish you

Dear Cpt. J. R. Simanto N. , DADDY.You have given me the best things in life: Your time, your care, and your love. I am truly grateful to have you in my life.Thanks for acting like a kid when I was a kid, acting like a friend when I needed a friend, and acting like a parent when I needed one.  I am truly grateful to have you in my life.You are the best man I know. Today I choose to CELEBRATE you.Although time and distance may separate us, your guidance, advice, and love has stuck with me through it all. I would not be who I am today without you, for the older I get the more I realize how important it is to have a dad like you. You have provided stability in my life and the love and acceptance I needed. ⭕HAPPY FATHERS DAY⭕ To my hero and role model. Thank you for everything you have done for our family. We love you with all our hearts. Your lovely son, Panamus Kiiru C. Simanto , ◼️🇰🇪

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY Watching people and comparing yourself with them will not make you better but bitter. My equals are getting married, my equals have a good job, my equals have children's, my equals are buying luxury cars, my equals are this...my equals are that...                                                        Yes it's true, but you literally forget your equals who are buried, your equals who are unemployed,your equals who sleep in street. Thank God for all he does in your life. Be grateful and enjoy what you have.live a day at a time

Giants don't come in life to destroy or embarrass you, they are there to highlight the king you were anointed to be. To slay giants in your life you need to remind yourself the previous victories, how God has brought you this far.

Today being the day i was born,i look back and feel a touch of pride at my younger self's dedication to literature,activism and aviation which have always given me the strength of mind to resist the blandishments of enemies of promise. I choose to celebrate my mother Charity Wanjiku Kiiru for enduring the pain and persevering to give birth to me as an answer to her prayers. Today she lives a happy life . Ostracized and humiliated when she my dad's relatives knew she was pregnant of another child. My grandmother "Sinyorita "  and the sisters to my dad Mr.Cmanto  overwhelmed by the wind-blown African Cultures of no  intermarriages  by then rejected their own PRINCE by convincing my dad that "Wakikuyu Ni Malaya"-and I being the foetus by then, they said that my mum's pregnancy was due to prostitution. After that incident my mum could no longer venture outside her house, not even to get water but prayed to God for a weapon to silence her enemies who trie...

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Lean Not - Will Direct Thy Path" Jesus Christ has overcome the world. And because of Him, because of His infinite Atonement, we all have great cause to trust, knowing that ultimately all will be well. Brethren, each of us can trust in the Lord and lean not. We can center our lives on the Savior by coming to know Him, and He will direct our paths. We are on earth to demonstrate the same trust in Him that allowed us to stand with Jesus Christ when He declared, “Here am I, send me.” My dear Brothers and Sisters “Our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us: as we walk uprightly. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us.” If we trust in our Heavenly Father and in our Savior and lean not to our own understanding, They will direct our paths and will ex...